People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Yes, but it was never about money
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist