put ‘er there pardner!
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Not😆🤣
The news is so predictable nowadays
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?