Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click