“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
You Might Also Like
Twitter is an abusement park.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless