Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.