You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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(crunch)
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it