I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”