me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies