me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like