I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage