I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK