This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it