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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.