Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.