[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Oops
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?