This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”