If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”