Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
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“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”