domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.