“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.