ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.