Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
There is wisdom there.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.