Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.