A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
the dark web is just a goth google.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
This made me smile…
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica