Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
79.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.