future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Catering service
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.