“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Lmao
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)