In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Any refunds available?…
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there