This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
こいつ天才
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
This could’ve been an email.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”