HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
You Might Also Like
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms