I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Breaking news:
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Van Gone
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.