Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.