How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Poetry is my passion
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.