3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
What’s a Messi?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day