People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February