My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.