Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
relationship goals
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.