These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery