Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’ve been drinking.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song