My current situation
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
But that’s none of my business
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”