Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.