[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
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Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.