Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.