I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?