Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.