If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved