there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.