doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
finally found a reasonable question
Clients after you give them your rates
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
the council will decide your fate
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.