ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Name this drama.
#TopTip
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses