The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.